A Mitt to Catch the Clotty Flow of my Inner Woman

One of the most basic things I've ever done in terms of saving money is to evaluate and change what I use during my lady time. You know, when my Aunt Flo comes to visit. When I take Carrie to the prom. That week when Miss Scarlett comes home to Tara. Those days I'm rooting for the Crimsom Tide. In other words, my menstrual period, people.

I do not use pads or tampons and there may actually be a few of you left out in the world who don't realize there are alternative, eco-friendly, cost-effective products. I'll just throw a link discussing alternative products here since I'm not going to spend my time discussing each and every one. I've only tried one  other thing before finding the love of my hormonal life.

I  tried the instead cup for two months, but it turned out to be a disaster. No matter how I tried to remove the thing (which looks a lot like a cheap diaphram) I ended up with a bloody mess all over the place. It looked like a zombie vs. vampire free-for-all in the bathroom. That did not make me happy. I do seriously hope I'm never suspected of a violent murder because those special CSI lights would highlight a very weird blood spray pattern in the bathroom.

I was hesitant about trying things like the diva or the keeper menstrual cup since I had that messy instead experience, but one day I sucked up my concerns when diva ladies swore it was a millions times better than the insteads. I paid about thirty bucks nearly seven years ago for a silicone rubber cup that looks like some sort of freaky liquor jigger. And I've never looked back.

I'll briefly give an economic breakdown of what my period costs me per month. IIRC,  I bought my diva through an online auction. Including shipping, I think I paid about $35. I've used it every month for something like 6 and a half years. That breaks down to approximately 44 cents a month and .08 cents for every day of my five day "special lady time." A diva cup lasts an average of 10 years when treated correctly. In ten years' time, that breaks down to .29 a month or .06 a period-having day.

Frankly, I love the thing and not just because it's really cheap. I love it because it works better than pads and tampons. I've never had an accident. Once you learn how to use it, you can quite literally forget that it's there. With pads, I feel like I'm waddling around on a padded two by four. And unlike with tampons, I don't have to figure out what to do with the string when I have to pee.

Basically, you stick the diva up your business end and unless you're some kind of bloody gushing geyser, you can leave it in all day long. It holds about half an ounce. I know this because it comes with these fascinating little measure markings. For the first year, I  constantly checked my output in case I ever randomly needed to know that I throw out about 2 ounces of menstrual matter a month. (I'm sure you find my output fascinating, too. Everyone should.)

On top of all that goody goodness, I don't have cramps when I use the diva. A few other women have remarked on this interesting note and I think it probably has something to do with shoving our pelvic floor back up to where it used to be. When Lady Scarlett finally flounces back off to Atlanta, you throw the diva in a pot of boiling water and it's magically clean. I know some chicks who put theirs in the dishwasher.

I like how it's easy to clean unlike cloth rags. The last thing I really need is to add one more thing to my laundry bill; having to incorporate more laundry into my day, more water to wash them, more bleach to sanitize them, and more electricity to run the washing machine. And then, seriously, I am truly an undomesticated woman. They'll probably end up in the sock basket and then I'm stuck trying to figure out where I put the things. I figure the two cups of water and the ten minutes it takes to boil it once a month is just damned negligable and I'm not going to spend my life figuring out tenths of a penny. I do have a life, people. Sort of.

I've tried to talk to a few people in my real life social circle about the wonders of a diva and more than a few have given me a rather horrified look and exclaimed they can't believe I stick some sort of cup thing up there and it just holds the blood in all day long. It's apparently gross.

I don't think they're thinking this through clearly because I don't exactly see what's so hygienic and normal about sticking a piece of bleached and perfumed cotton up your twat to hold your bloodflow and then pissing on the string if you aren't careful. Gross is having to look at and smell a bloody dead rat wad of cotton every time you pull down your drawers to sit on the toilet.

I tried talking my daughter into buying a diva cup a couple of years ago and it turns out she's one of those people who give me a horrified look. Yeah. So while my period is going to cost me about 29 cents a month, hers is running about five bucks a month. Or $60.00 a year. Or $300 from the time of her menarche to until she's 18. So from my approximate $1000 a month income, I have to remember to actively deduct about $5.00 a month for her preferred brand leaving about $995.00 a month for bills and whatnot.

Damned kids and their pressure to participate in "traditional" (read advertised by THE MAN) period handling techniques. Anyway, there is my frugal me story for today where I  threw in some random numbers so it will look like I'm absolutely consumed by my money or lack thereof.

But I'll tell you a secret. While I do put some effort into reducing certain costs, I do that so I can try and provide a fuller life for my children. It's not about saving money just to say that I can. I need that money to pay for some bandos for the Tuba Girl. And I also refuse to give up air conditioning on any level. I live in a  subtropical region and my house reaches 95 degrees on any given summer evening. I'm a wimpy American and I'm okay with that.